Breaking Cycles

I think we learn to love others the way we have been loved.  If we have been smothered by an emotionally needy parent, we become clingy and needy ourselves.  If we were raised by a distant, unresponsive parent, we may find it difficult to express love.  Sometimes the signals are confusing.  If children are told "I love you," but are treated with harsh words or even abuse, they grow into adults who equate that negative behavior with love.

In my religious education, I remember learning that the Greek language contains six words meaning "love." I was able to recall three of them, but had to consult the internet for the other three. Eros refers to sexual love, philia is the love of a deep friendship, ludus is playful love, pragma is the term for longstanding love, philautia is love of self and agape is the Greek term meaning love for everyone. What a practical, specific language!

It occurs to me that whatever the type of love, if behavior doesn't match the word, the word becomes meaningless.  If I say, "I love you" to a friend, but never call, write or visit, I may be perfectly sincere in my feeling of philia, but how can my friend trust this declaration of love without actions to back it up?   If a parent says, "I love you" to a child but constantly berates or even hits him or her, how can that child grow up with a healthy sense of what pragma entails?  Chances are the child will, instead, become an adult who has difficulty trusting, expressing or even understanding true love.

Agape is the one love that we can always trust because agape is of God. It is the perfect, unconditional love from a perfect, loving higher power. Agape love never fails and it never ends. It is unmerited and eternal. We cannot earn it and we cannot be separated from it. Agape is a free gift to be received, cherished and returned.  It is easier to trust God's agape once we break the cycle of our past experiences with love that did not match in word and deed.   When we can finally feel and practice genuine philautia (love of self), we can insist that others treat us with philia--matching their words and actions. Then and only then will our hearts be open to receiving agape love.