I used to try to deny my past. For many years I worked hard to pretend I had a good childhood. Whenever disturbing memories threatened to surface I would expend useless energy tamping them down with my well-worn shovel of denial. It was energy that should have been used for living in the present. The effort left me exhausted and depressed. Once I heard someone say that depression is anger turned inward. It was an eye-opening statement--one that I felt compelled to explore. I began to read and read and read some more. I decided to begin the necessary work. I looked to God (my higher power) for answers, for strength, for healing. It was the start of a long, but worthwhile journey to make peace with my past.
I am not an alcoholic, but I found the AA literature to be enlightening and inspiring. I engaged a friend who was willing to work the steps with me. Together, with the guidance of a twelve-step spiritual workbook, we shared our respective journeys of self-discovery. We uncovered many truths along the way, but probably the most significant discovery was this one: "even God cannot change the past." We must forgive ourselves and forgive others in order to let go of the past and move forward. But here's the hardest part: we must face the past with all of its painful memories and acknowledge the truth of it (feel). Finally, we must decide to let go of its control over us (deal). Only then can we live peacefully in the present and look forward to the future (heal).
As any AA participant can tell you, the journey is not one-and-done. I must continue to work the steps. It is taking a lifetime of daily effort to let go of the guilt, shame and blame for a past that is not within my power--or even God's power--to change.
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