Yesterday I attended the memorial service of a young man who passed away at the tender age of twenty-nine. Twenty-nine-year-olds aren't supposed to die. They're certainly not supposed to predecease their parents. I hadn't seen Drew in a while. For many years, he and one of his sisters sang in the youth choirs that I directed. Drew was lively, friendly, funny, adventurous, respectful of his elders, and a bit of a dare-devil. The friends and relatives who spoke at his service reaffirmed everything I remembered about him, and added "happy" and "contented" to the descriptors.
I don't think anyone was surprised when Drew enlisted in the Army after college. He actually survived a tour in Afghanistan--as an explosive disposal specialist--where he received a bronze star. When he returned to the States, his mom breathed a huge sigh of relief.
As she and I hugged and cried together at the visitation, we talked about how she was in the throes of every parent's worst nightmare. Let's face it, we parents spend a lot of time figuratively and literally holding our breath until we can finally feel confident we have successfully raised our children to adulthood. At last, that overwhelming sense of responsibility lifts from our shoulders. They are safe; they are happy; and they are decent people. Our job is done.
At the end of our conversation, Drew's mom said, "If anyone dares to tell me it was God's will for my son to die . . ." I could tell she needed to feel and express intense anger. So, when she hesitated, I finished her sentence, "You'll punch 'em where it hurts." She nodded her head adamantly as we both recalled instances when we had heard those very words spoken by well-meaning Christians. The implication was that we should be grateful for losing our loved-one; we should be grateful for the worst pain we have ever experienced because God, in His infinite wisdom, willed it.
No! It is not God's will for us to suffer such unimaginable loss and pain. It is not God's will for us to have our children ripped from our lives and our hearts. When faced with the horrors that can befall us in this earthly life, we are allowed to be angry, despondent, grief-striken, lonely, and afraid. We are even allowed to rail against God.
The promise is, "Nothing [including death] will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:39)." Accordingly, God honors each stage of our grief and stands ready to walk through it with us, every excruciating step of the way until we are whole again.
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