In the corridor of a school where I once worked, a fellow teacher walked toward me. She and I had always enjoyed a congenial relationship, but as she drew closer, I saw that her face wore a scowl with deep lines etched in her forehead. I smiled and said, “Hi, Martha. How are you?” She blew past me without a word, her frown set in concrete. Immediately, I decided I must have done something to offend her, but what? I wracked my brain, but came up with nothing. That night I couldn’t sleep as my imagination recreated scenarios in which I might have slighted or insulted Martha. What must she be thinking of me? How will I ever repair this broken relationship?
Ginny and I always called each other on our birthdays. One year I called twice and left messages then tried again the next day. This time I said, “Please call me back.” No response. So, I texted, “What’s wrong? I haven’t heard from you.” But I was thinking, “Why are you ignoring me? Why are you mad at me? What have I done to you? Will we ever be friends again?” Another sleepless night followed.
As it turned out, Martha was suffering from a migraine the day I met her in the corridor. She was in so much pain that she couldn’t function. A few days later, when we talked in the teacher’s lounge, she was her friendly, gregarious self who didn’t even recall passing me in the hallway. In her desperation to get home, take her meds and find a dark place to rest, she hadn’t even noticed me. And the friend who ignored my calls and texts? She had lost her phone for a few days. Upon recovering it, she called to thank me for my birthday wishes.
There is enough drama in life that I don’t need to manufacture it. Yet, I used to indulge in self-defeating thought patterns regularly. Jack Singer, author of The Teacher’s Ultimate Stress Mastery Guide, calls this negative thinking “awfulizing.” Unfortunately, awfulizing is a deeply ingrained habit from my childhood when my anxiety caused me to turn every emotion into a catastrophe. I carried this stress-inducing pattern into young adulthood and still find myself slipping from time to time.
I can’t say I am cured of awfulizing, but I do catch myself more quickly than I once did, and I have developed strategies to stop the craziness. First, I say affirmations to myself such as, “How does this problem stack up in terms of eternal significance?” Or “Every problem has a solution, and I am intelligent enough/mature enough to find it.” Then I breathe deeply, utter a quick prayer for calm, and either table the problem until I have time to deal with it or jot down the negative emotions that have upset me: “I’m feeling worried, or sad, or defeated, or angry.” Finally, when the time is right, I sit with God, who helps me identify the incident or comment that triggered my emotion. Together we evaluate the consequences, and form a plan to address the issue.
Usually I’m able to come up with one of two healthy responses: 1. Tomorrow, I will do or say such-and-such toward fixing the problem; or 2. His/her comment/behavior is not about me. Controlling other people’s emotions, words, and actions is not my responsibility.
This year I will turn seventy-two. Someday I hope to be an adult who doesn’t resort to awfulizing whenever I’m faced with a challenge.
Please check out my author website: https://www.cindylfreeman.com/
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