I used to think food was my enemy. When anyone would
talk about enjoying a normal-sized meal, I couldn’t relate. How could they
refer to food in a positive manner? Food was bad, right? Food was the enemy
that I battled day in and day out. It was responsible for my weight problem.
Even when I wasn’t fat, I thought I was. I would look
in a mirror and see an overweight person. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and
overwhelmed by my latest binge. Ironically, now when I view photos from certain
periods of my past, I realize that my weight was perfectly normal, and I didn’t
look fat at all.
The condition is called body image dysmorphia. For me,
as for many—especially girls and women—body image dysmorphia often results in
one of several eating disorders, primarily anorexia nervosa, bulimia,
or compulsive over-eating.
For most of my life, I’ve been a compulsive overeater.
Always hungry, always thinking about food, I often indulged in binge eating,
especially during stressful times. I knew if I started eating sugary or starchy
foods, I wouldn’t be able to stop until I felt like I might explode. While I
was binging, food provided comfort, but afterward I felt ashamed and worthless.
It was a vicious cycle having something to do with the addictive property of
sucrose, but more with unaddressed emotional issues.
If I had an event coming up for which I wanted desperately to appear slim or to fit into a certain outfit, I would engage in a starvation
diet, losing from two to five pounds, depending on how many days I gave myself
to prepare. During this time of fasting, all I could think about was how hungry
I was and how deprived I felt. My blood-sugar would plummet, my head would pound,
and I felt like I might pass out.
Throughout young adulthood and middle
age, I yo-yo dieted, trying to keep my weight where I thought it should be. I exercised
faithfully, but my weight continued to creep higher and higher. Honestly, I thought it
was hopeless. I couldn’t see my way out of a condition that controlled me all
day, every day. For me, food—particularly sugar—was an addiction as powerful as
alcohol for an alcoholic or cocaine for a drug addict. The problem with food
addiction is that you can’t simply stop eating.
Finally, at the ripe old age of seventy, my eating is
under control. I feel okay about my body image, and I have no urge to binge.
So, how did I finally achieve a healthy relationship with food? First, through journaling, I
addressed unresolved emotional issues from childhood. By consciously
recognizing my binging triggers, I gave myself permission to feel anxiety, fear, anger, disappointment, frustration, and regret. In
childhood, I was not allowed to feel or display negative emotions. Authenticity was discouraged and even ridiculed by the
adults in my life. Not that my situation was unique. I grew up during a time
when emotional repression was the norm.
For years, I heeded messages about eating a
low-fat, “lite” diet to be healthy and slim. Recognizing I was addicted to
sugar, I tried more than once to purge it from my system, but I loved dessert. I’d stay on a sugar-free
diet for six months or so, replacing sucrose with unhealthy sugar substitutes
so I could get my dessert-fix. Then, like an alcoholic, I’d fall off the wagon
and end up binging on sweets, feeling shame, and gaining weight. Again it seemed like food was the enemy.
Nothing changed until I started eating more fat.
That’s right, more fat! Without mentioning a specific program, let me just say
that embracing fat has changed my life for the better. Fat fills me up so I
don’t feel hungry ten minutes after a meal. Since I’ve always had high
cholesterol, I became concerned about raising it further. I wondered if I was
doing more harm than good by increasing my fat intake. But eating more fat is
what helped me finally give up sugar forever. The best news is I’ve lost sixteen
pounds, and my cholesterol and blood glucose
levels are the lowest they have ever been.
I limit simple carbohydrates like bread and cereal.
But, honestly—and I can’t believe I’m writing this—I don’t miss them or sugar.
I’ve found a recipe for delicious waffles made from almond flour that I eat
twice a week. I allow myself pizza once a week and enjoy a glass of Prosecco nearly every evening. I smother my waffles and pancakes with real butter and all-fruit
jam. I snack on nuts or cheese or veggies with dip. I enjoy chocolate
milkshakes made from frozen bananas, whole-milk yogurt and cocoa sweetened with
stevia. I eat real bacon and eggs once or twice a week and best of all, I enjoy my food more
than ever.
Food is no longer my enemy. Instead, I embrace it,
enjoy it, and eat without shame. How liberating!
Cindy L. Freeman is the author of two award-winning
short stories and three published novels: Unrevealed, The
Dark Room and I Want to Go Home.
Website: www.cindylfreeman.com; Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/cindy.l.freeman.9. Her books are available through
amazon.com or hightidepublications.com
