Thank You, Litterbug

Dear Litterbug,

I'm that crazed woman who walks along Neck-O-Land Road with a trash bag in hand, flashing my derriere at passersby to pick up the litter you so kindly throw from your vehicle. I want to thank you for your thoughtful, repeated gestures that provide me the extra exercise of squatting, bending, and reaching. You add interest to my daily constitutional which would, otherwise, be mundane. If you didn't so selflessly share your bounty, my walks would be reduced to merely enjoying birdsongs, breathing fresh air, and observing the beauty of God's creation.  

Often, you take special care to slam that beer bottle into the concrete ditch beside the road. I thank you for the added amusement of picking up multiple pieces of glass. Of course, your cigarette butts can't be considered litter. They are so tiny and insignificant, as their lethal chemicals leach into the earth and pollute the water supply. Why not empty your entire ashtray onto the shoulder of the road? Since you've decided to kill yourself, you might as well share those deadly chemicals with the rest of us who inhabit this planet?

Of course, paper and cardboard are made from trees. Therefore, when you throw your paper-waste into the woods you are returning it to its source. Right?

Plastic bags are my favorite debris because they come in assorted colors to decorate the surrounding landscape. For me, the bonus is that when my trash bags are full, you provide additional bags for me to fill on my return trip.

Oh, and I especially enjoy those styrofoam packing "peanuts" because they are eternal. If I happen to miss one, I can rest assured it'll be there the next time I pass. Dryer sheets are fun, too. I thank you for not securing them when throwing them in the trash. That way they can fly from the garbage truck and adorn the surrounding landscape like so many wispy spider webs.

I mustn't give you all the credit, however.  I feel compelled to thank your parents for instilling in you such admirable qualities. They taught you that you are number-one, and no one else matters. Congratulations on being such a good student! You learned that selfishness and laziness are virtues. You learned that someone else will pick up after you, so you needn't take responsibility for the environment that you share with billions of other people and animals.

There is a saying, "Children learn what they live." You can feel confident that your children will perpetuate your carefully-practiced habit of disposal. Let's just hope that future chumps like me will feel obligated to clean up their messes.

Sincerely,

Fellow Citizen of Earth